Why do we use? For me, there were stages of why. And then there’s staying sober and learning to live without checking out. It’s not easy, and I understand why it’s so hard for addicts to stay sober. In sobriety we reach a boiling point where we either drink or trudge on. We don’t have the luxury of checking out for a few and resetting or relaxing. But there are ways to recharge without blowing up our lives. It just takes some practice. 

Fun – the first stage of my drinking was “fun.” Or at least I thought so. Looking back, it was just a time of fewer consequences, and my idea of fun was managing my feelings. I just thought it was fun at the time. I did have good times, don’t get me wrong. But my drinking has always served a purpose. Back then it was escaping my feelings or managing uncomfortable feelings. 

Addiction – the next stage of my drinking was addiction. I had to drink. I didn’t think so and I thought I was in control, but my reality without booze was not great. I was experiencing severe anxiety, a result of mental health issues plus excess alcohol. The feelings I stuffed down were also harder to keep down and required more and more alcohol. I was hooked, and it wasn’t until shortly before I got sober that I knew I was hooked. Now I see I crossed the invisible line so much earlier than I realized, but at the time I was convinced I was drinking to alleviate rather than out of necessity. 

Sobriety – Now that I’m sober, I can literally watch the hours and minutes that might lead up to a drink or a drug or a binge, etc. I have this ongoing thing called life. Normie’s have a day or a week. Then they check out, relax with a few drinks and start anew. I don’t have that luxury anymore. I’m “on” all the time. 

So at some point in this ongoing thing called life, I hit the boiling point where I can’t take it anymore. It’s a clear moment in the midst of everything going on. A brief stop in the action long enough to be like wtf. What is happening, this has been going on for a long time and how much longer can I endure this. That’s when my addict brain kicks in and says ughhh ahhhh we need to check out. I can’t take it. I just can’t. I’ve reached the boiling point. 

So I start to think of what will take me out of the present. I try to problem solve without really knowing what I’m doing or where I’m headed. I might start small – like bingeing a Netflix show (nothing wrong with that btw). But it might not work, so that’s when I think of something stronger. A drink, a binge, something to give me a break from this constant living… and thinking and feeling and dealing. That urge is strong and it’s accompanied by my addict thoughts: “It’s ok. It won’t be that bad. Things will be different this time.” Or “I don’t care if I blow up my life. I know this is a bad decision but f$ck it.” And I forget the pain, misery and suffering that came along with drinking. Or perhaps I remember it but the thought of 15 minutes of peace is so alluring that I just don’t care. 

Imagine being faced with this dilemma. I’m not over here having a good time and suddenly want to misbehave or cause trouble. No, I’m in it. I’m doing the damn thing and it is hard. It’s relentless. But today I somehow make a different choice. I take a nap, or practice my recovery, or drink a milkshake. Whatever soothes me that won’t kill me. 

That’s what’s so interesting about being an addict. I equate feeling soothed with annihilation. Total escape. Destruction. There’s nothing in between, which is why I can’t sip a Chardonnay on Friday night and close out the week. It’s also why I need to constantly contribute to my recovery. So in these tough moments I reach for the pillow and not the bottle. 

I guess what I want to say is I know how hard it is just to be an addict. Baseline it’s hard. It’s a struggle to live, without a break, forever and ever. But I will say I have found ways to take care of myself that are healthier than before. I close the door, turn the lights off and take a nap. Or go to bed and call it a day. I take time everyday to veg out, whether that’s walking my dog or watching Bravo. And it does get better/easier over time! 

And if you’re struggling, I hear you. I see you and I hope you know you’re not alone!