So I’ve heard once or twice that I’m selfish and self-centered in the extreme. And this was a big shame trigger for me at the beginning. I already felt terrible about myself. Hearing this made me think about myself even more. But I’ve learned over the years that this doesn’t need to be interpreted as a bad thing. Knowing this and understanding what it means can actually be helpful. 

Today I understand that selfish and self-centered is a byproduct of fear, my negative thinking and not wanting to feel bad. In other words, because I have so much fear and negative thinking and I often feel like crap, I’m spending all my time trying to change it. It’s overwhelming and therefore I am stuck dealing with it rather than being present in my life or yours. I’m obsessed with how I feel, if I’m in fear and what my mind is saying because it’s so uncomfortable. I’m obsessed with getting out of this current situation and into a more comfortable one. I’m too busy dealing with my internal state – and this comes across as selfishness and self-centeredness. Which it is, but not because I want it to be that way. It’s not malicious and it’s not out of vanity. It’s a necessity until I learn how to deal with my internal state. Once I do that (through recovery, therapy, etc) then I’m aware that I’m stuck in my head and obsessed with how I’m thinking and feeling. And once I’m aware of it, I can do something about it besides self destructive or harmful behaviors. 

I think of my life prior to recovery as a one dimensional existence. I spent all my time focused on how I was feeling and what I could do to escape my internal world. And rightfully so. It was a miserable place to be! Unfortunately, my coping skills were not great and I wound up addicted to this or that. Now my life is multi dimensional. I’m aware of the tendency to be overly concerned with myself and how I feel. I’m aware that I get lost in my thoughts. I understand that if I don’t treat my alcoholism that the self-obsession worsens and I revert back to that one dimensional life. 

This doesn’t mean I’m comfortable all the time today. And it doesn’t mean my negative thoughts have completely subsided and I’m no longer in fear. But having that separation, that other dimension of understanding, I have a shot at taking constructive actions or just feeling my feelings without imploding or exploding. 

This is why it’s important to have some sort of recovery plan or program. And perhaps one that includes meditation – which really helps me “see” my self-obsession. If I’m actively working on my recovery, that ability to “see” is there. If I’m not, it goes. And so does any chance of dealing with the thinking and feeling in a constructive way. It’s not easy and uncomfortable to accept and learn how to deal with it, but the alternative is that sad, scary one-track way I lived before. Is ignorance bliss? Nah. The road less taken (in this case – recovery) is far more exciting when you think about it.