This topic is huge for me. As I go along in sobriety and get older, the more work I realize I need to do in forgiving myself for the past and the mistakes I’ve made in sobriety. 

When I make a mistake, or I really mess something up, I am hit with an epic level of shame, guilt and terror. I instantly go to worse case scenarios and linger there. I compare myself to others and tell myself how good people wouldn’t do such things. And meanwhile, the things are mere human screw ups that anyone can and does make. 

So first of all, I have to ask myself if I think I’m a good person or not. And truly answer that based on my feelings and the way I value and treat myself. I somewhere got the idea that mistakes equal a bad person. That a good person doesn’t mess up in the way I mess up. I also deem what I’ve done or not done as unacceptable behavior for a sober adult. I can’t imagine others thinking or acting the way I do, and therefore I must be a bad person. 

Next, I need to look at why it’s hard for me to forgive myself. I think it has something to do with old God beliefs. Meaning I’m partially afraid to let myself off the hook because what if God’s like no way. And it’s also hard because I can’t get a realistic perspective of my mistakes and flaws and where they ‘rank’ on the scale of good to evil. In my mind, it’s always way worse than it actually is. 

What helps me is talking to others and getting their perspective and reassurance that I’m human. A problem shared is truly a problem cut in half. 

It also helps me to be easy on others and extend forgiveness wherever I can. If someone cuts me off, rather than assume they are a jerk, I tell myself that maybe they are in a hurry or didn’t even realize it. It wasn’t personal. 

I also remind myself that I am someone who is willing to look at themself and work on being a better person… which means I can’t be a bad person by definition. 

Self-forgiveness means I’m letting myself off the hook. I still take accountability and make amends if and when necessary. But then the real work begins. I have to be able to move on and believe I am worthy and deserving of forgiveness in order to be at peace with myself and others. 

Loving myself totally as I am is the key to a peaceful life. Accepting my flaws and mistakes as part of my humanness opens the door to that self love. And when I learn to love myself, I treat myself and others properly. It’s not a linear or easy experience for me, but I find the more I work on it the better my life gets.