A few times lately I’ve heard sober folks talk about their pasts as if they are the worst person on earth. I can’t tell if it’s true self-loathing or thinking it’s what we are supposed to do. In each case, the woman went on and on about how selfish and horrible she was while drinking, recounting the worst stories with antidotes added in like “this is the kind of awful person I was”. 

Part of it seemed like being a good sober person, meaning I should self-deprecate when speaking of my past so everyone knows I know what a jerk I was. The other part was sad. It felt like these women truly hated the person they were. It got me thinking. How can we move on and love ourselves unless we love our past? 

It might seem odd the idea of loving your past. Especially for an addict or alcoholic who did “bad” things while drinking. But I really believe the key to a full and happy recovery goes beyond just making peace with the past. It’s about loving that person, too. That version of ourselves no matter how ugly it was. It took me some time – and a ton of work – to get there, but I can honestly say that drinking Tiffany did the very best she could and I love her for that. 

I think part of the problem is that we certainly do some less than stellar things while drinking. (Or not in sobriety, I should say. I am not trying to blame the alcohol here.) The other part of the problem is the idea of taking responsibility and accountability and misconstruing that with self-hatred. 

For the first part, it is very difficult to reconcile the horrible and seemingly unforgivable things we did in our past. I can never imagine loving or even justifying the things I did. That’s not the point here. What I can do is admit those things and do what I can to make them right if possible. Then the real work begins. I need to work on self-forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn’t mean I forget or like what I’ve done. It means I recognize I did something wrong and then let myself off the hook if I’ve done what I can to rectify the situation. 

I thought this was impossible. First of all, I felt awful and the guilt was tremendous. That’s to be expected. And I had to feel my way through those feelings and remind myself that I took responsibility and repeat over and over “I love you Tiffany and I forgive you.” Second, I was afraid to forgive myself. And this brings up an interesting point. It’s me forgiving me, so I am the only judge and jury at this point. Why can’t I allow myself forgiveness? I was afraid that perhaps my higher power hadn’t forgiven me or didn’t think I was deserving of forgiveness. Would I be struck dead if I forgave myself? For this, I had to work on my concept of a higher power! Clearly I was still dealing with some old beliefs. 

I was also worried what people would think of me. How dare I move on and live a good life? I stayed hidden and remorseful as a way to appease others – who by the way didn’t care! What really helped me here was forgiving others. No matter if they did something to me or not, I practiced seeing their humanness and forgiving them. What also helped here was sharing my past mistakes with others in the recovery process. Being vulnerable allowed others to be vulnerable and start their own forgiveness journey. 

And finally, I learned to laugh!  This came after I accepted the fact that everything is happening exactly the way it should for my highest good. If I didn’t drink and go through all that I went through, I wouldn’t be useful to another person going through the same thing. And I wouldn’t be who I am today. 

Believe me, if you’re not there yet I get it. Don’t compare and despair. But hope that you can get there, too. It’s ok if you still feel shame and guilt. It’s ok if you feel like you wasted your life. It’s ok if you can’t forgive yourself yet for the shitty things you did. Accept where you are and feel those feelings! Keep working at it and it will get better!