Ugh vulnerability. Defined as the “willingness to show emotion or to allow one’s weaknesses to be seen or known; willingness to risk being emotionally hurt”. Or as I think of it, truly being myself despite the risks involved. 

Why is this so difficult for the alcoholic (addict) and why is not being vulnerable detrimental to our well being? The reason it’s so hard goes all the way back to the root of my disease. I do not believe I am lovable as I am. How did that start? Well, I felt different and separate from others for as long as I can remember. I interpreted that difference and separation as a bad thing, and therefore I am bad. And bad meant not lovable. Throughout my drinking career, I developed a person I thought was more likeable than myself. I tried to fit in or to fly under the radar. But I never allowed my true self to be exposed. You see, as a human we get one body and one experience for this whole thing. If it’s not a good one, we are kinda screwed. 

As a matter of survival, I did whatever I could to hide that unlovable part of myself and desperately sought the approval of others. But that came at a cost. I could never be vulnerable. I could never show my true emotions or risk you seeing the ugly parts of myself. 

When I got sober, I had to learn to be honest. And part of being honest is being true to myself, or being myself. I never looked at it that way, but it makes sense. If I’m pretending to be who you want me to be, I am lying to you and myself. And that makes me resentful on some level. In fact, I didn’t just believe I was unlovable, I downright hated myself. So when I learned that I needed to take a deep look at myself, I all but freaked out. I couldn’t go there. What if what I believed was true? What if the real me was unlovable and deserved to be hated? That’s pretty high stakes to face when you’re newly sober. 

But, what I didn’t realize is that I was altering the course of my life by not being vulnerable. First, if I wouldn’t expose myself to risk, that meant I was missing out on intimate and close relationships. Or on the career I really wanted to pursue. Or following my dreams. They were all too risky so I did what felt safe. 

Second, if I wasn’t allowing my true feelings to be shown, I was most likely doing what I didn’t want to do or not doing what I wanted to do. And third, if I couldn’t show my weaknesses, they could never become strengths or I could never heal them or learn to accept that they make me who I am. 

It occurred to me in early sobriety that I no longer knew who I really was. So I went on a mission to find out the real me. I was terrified that I wouldn’t like what I found, but to my surprise I’m not that bad after all. I also had to learn to trust someone enough to talk about how I was feeling or what I was thinking. This was the most difficult for me. It took years to truly open up to another person, but once I did – and I wasn’t rejected or abandoned – the most amazing things happened. I realized we are all pretty similar and that every time I shared something, someone else has had the same experience, thoughts or feelings. What a relief that brought! I also realized that what makes me likeable and then eventually lovable are the the previously deemed unlovable parts of myself. For example, my alcoholism. I was deeply embarrassed and ashamed to be an alcoholic. But having this disease and working on recovery is amazing. It’s something to be proud of! 

Another example is my silly personality and the wacky things that come out of my mouth. Learning to let it rip no matter the audience or the outcome has proven to be exhilarating. And it allows others the space to be themselves, too. 

I also hated my body for so long. As you know, I struggled with an eating disorder for a long time. I never thought I could accept my body as it is. And want to treat it with the respect it deserves for carrying me through this lifetime. I used to hide behind clothing and never wanted to be seen in a bathing suit. It took some time and work and therapy, but I’m nice to my body now. And my body image has softened so much. I also nourish my body with food and sleep and water.. but in balance!  

In order for me to love and be loved, to stay on the path the universe intends for me, to be at peace, to be aligned with the right things for myself (career, home, friends, goals, etc), I need to learn to be vulnerable. By doing so, I am opening myself up to what is meant for me. I’m allowing that which is best for me to appear. I’m not in the way of my peace and happiness. I’m not unnecessarily gathering resentments. I’m not burning up energy being someone I’m not. 

There’s no rush and it’s usually a slow burn. It took me years to slowly unpack, unwind and discover. I’m still working on it to this day! But it’s so worth it!