What makes me an alcoholic?! Drinking too much for one, but why did I drink so much? What possessed me to drink lethal levels of alcohol and bottom out my life? I’ve asked myself that question and the answer is rooted in the way I think and feel on a regular basis. It may sound simple, and to some extent it is, but it’s what sets me apart from my non-alcoholic counterparts. 

I remember being in the crib as a small child and crawling out of my skin. It’s rare to remember something from that early in life, but it holds a huge clue for me as to why I grew up to drink in excess. And no, I didn’t think to myself at the time that I was crawling out of skin. I didn’t have the awareness or language to put a label on how I was feeling. I just remember being pissed off that I was left in the crib and grabbing the sides while rocking back and forth in frustration. Something wasn’t right and I wasn’t even three years old yet! But that feeling like I just can’t take another minute of being me would pervade my life for decades to come. 

Was it my circumstances or my home life that made me feel that way? I used to think so, but now I’m almost certain that I could have been in Disney World and would have felt the same way. 

Looking back on the early years of my life, I thought circumstance played a huge part in the way I felt – anxious, restless, and this strange separate feeling that I can only describe as being stuck in my head narrating life rather than living it. I attributed this to things like changing schools, having a mother with disabilities, having less money than others, etc. It was the only thing that made sense at that time. Looking back, however, my brothers didn’t feel the same way. No one did, in fact. It wasn’t until I met other sober adults that I could relate to another human being about my human experience. 

These feelings consumed my thoughts – the second key component to the root of my alcoholism. My brain. The 1980’s fried egg on drugs brain. (Google this is your brain on drugs) I think more than the average person. My brother once told me that I had more thoughts in 30 seconds than he has in a day. The reason is tied to the feelings. I don’t feel right so my brain is constantly trying to figure out why, what happened and what I can do about it. This is on top of the millions of thoughts I have about everything else too. The thinking is exhausting. Or more like the trying to figure out and control everything is exhausting. 

I drank to chill out. To feel better and think less. Period. What happens when someone is stuck in their head or feels like crap all the time? For me, it was all I could focus on. I couldn’t get past my internal self to be a member of the human race. That made me seem selfish, which I get now! I was so offended when I first got sober and learned I was an extremely selfish person. Now I have so much empathy for that girl. She was just stuck between her miserable head and aching, anxious heart to think of anyone else. 

This is also why it’s so hard to stop drinking. Sure, the physical component of addiction plays a huge factor… at first. But why do people stop and then start again after the physical craving is gone? 

The first reason is the obsession to use one more time. What does it matter? I’ll get my life together tomorrow. Coupled with the knowledge that I can’t ever drink again and it’s too much. But what about when I put some sober time together? Like a month or a year or multiple years? 

It’s the mind and the heart. Stopping drinking did nothing to stop the racing mind and the anxiety. Now I also have all the damage I caused while drinking weighing on me. It’s too much. It makes sense why it’s hard for people to get sober and stay sober. 

But there is a way out. There is freedom from alcohol and from my brain and feelings. I don’t like to give advice or tell people what to do, but it starts with not drinking… one day at a time. For me, the misery of drinking had to be worse than the misery of not drinking. Then I had some courage to face the day sober. The next thing is to get support and lots of it. A therapist, a psychiatrist (if necessary), a doctor, a recovery program, sober support and friends. They say a higher power is the most important thing, and I agree. But that doesn’t have to mean God with a capital G. I believe a recovery program and medical professionals are a power greater than me and that’s enough to get started. (I talk more about the higher power here). If you need help, ask for it! Just don’t do it alone.