Oh boy is this a tricky topic. And sometimes I question whether I know how to forgive or not, but I have some experience with the subject. 

When I got sober, I was convinced that my parents and childhood were to blame for my alcoholism and subsequent circumstances. If they hadn’t screwed me up I never would have drank and my life wouldn’t be such a disaster. Through therapy and sober support, I’ve come to understand and believe that I’m an alcoholic regardless of my circumstances. I truly know that I would have been a drunk no matter what. Now, that’s not to say that my childhood – or my reaction and interpretation of my childhood – didn’t leave me with some wounds that needed to be healed. I think we all can say that. So the question then becomes are those wounds someone’s fault? 

Blaming someone is interesting. I get to let myself off the hook for my shortcomings and areas I need healed. I also don’t have to take responsibility for them either. And that usually means I don’t have to do anything about it. This leaves me in a not so great place. I’m relieved of the self blame, but I’m stuck with the wound or shortcoming that’s most likely keeping me from being at peace or living in my highest good. 

I blamed my mom for my trauma wounds. However, prior to getting sober, my solution was to drink over it, feel bad for myself and overall make my life worse than it needed to be. I was waiting for something or someone else to do the work to fix it. 

A few interesting things happened in sobriety. First, I got into therapy where I dug up my buried feelings of anger, fear and sadness. I had to feel and deal with those before I could really do any forgiving. Once I processed my emotions, I was open and willing to learn how I could live with the wound or heal it – actions that only I could take. And finally, once I dealt with the wound, I needed to learn how to move on from it, which meant not letting it define me. That, to me, is what forgiveness is all about. It doesn’t mean I forget, simply because I cannot. Not because I need to remember or hold a grudge. But because it happened and it’s part of my story. But I can move on and be free of it, meaning I don’t make decisions based on the circumstances or feelings associated with it. I don’t live in the feelings of anger or self pity. And I don’t let it hold me back from the realization that me and only me can co-create the life I want. 

Prior to sobriety, I was not in charge of my life. Past people and situations dictated how I felt and what I did. Now, I get to decide what kind of life I want to live, along with the help of a loving universe. 

Forgiveness is for me, not for the other person. It’s so I can be free and live from my current circumstances and not the past. The process of forgiveness is different for everyone. For me, I started by forgiving others for small things. Like someone cutting me off on the highway. To do that, I let the annoyance bubble up so I could feel it and then I told myself the truth. Maybe that person was in a hurry. Or maybe they didn’t see me. In any event, it wasn’t personal. it probably had nothing to do with me. So I made the decision to let it go. I mean in truth, I do stupid stuff all the time and I want people to let me off the hook. So why can’t I do the same for others?! 

Practicing this with smaller things allowed me to move on to bigger wounds. I was able to see my parents as people who did the best they could with what they had. I allowed in the idea that perhaps it wasn’t personal and they had their own unhealed stuff going on that led to whatever they did or didn’t do. 

It wasn’t linear. Sometimes I felt total compassion for those I needed to forgive and sometimes the anger came back. It’s all ok. Remember – moving on from things is for you. It’s so I can live a great life.

Forgiveness does not mean what happened is suddenly ok either. In many cases, what happened or didn’t happen was not ok and we are allowed to have those feelings associated with the hurt. Processing and feeling those feelings is a vital part of moving past it. 

It also doesn’t mean we have to love or even like the person who needs forgiving. Sometimes moving on or setting up boundaries is the most loving thing to do. 

Forgiveness is a tough one. It’s messy, full of emotion and often all over the place. It’s all part of the process, which takes time. Allowing yourself the feelings, the space and the time are all steps in the direction of feeling forgiveness for another person or situation. And when all else fails, acting as if has been super helpful for me. I ask myself what I would do or say if I felt forgiveness, despite feeling quite the opposite. 

I hope that you’re willing to embark on the journey. It’s not comfortable, but it is freeing!