Nothing and I mean nothing bothered me more about recovery than the higher power. Just prior to getting sober, my concept of a higher power consisted of fear, contempt and a belief that I had to think and be a certain way to avoid the fires of hell. I was raised in a half agnostic and half catholic household. The catholic part was extreme and life was centered around the fear of heaven versus hell. Although a large part of me no longer believed in the fire and brimstone, a decent sized part of me still worried it might be true. I hated the idea of worshipping something or believing that someone had the power to give one person cancer and another person a winning lottery ticket. It felt like a rigged game to me and I wanted nothing to do with it. 

On the morning of my sobriety when I hit bottom, I found myself on my knees begging a God I didn’t care for to keep me alive. It wasn’t a heartfelt plea or moment, I just didn’t know what else to do at the time. I still believed that a white guy in the sky held all my cards, so I did the only thing I thought was appropriate at the time – beg for help. Help I wasn’t sure I was going to get or even deserved. 

In the following days, the obsession to alcohol was removed and I knew that I was an alcoholic in need of sobriety. That was enough to allow me to believe that something or someone had to intervene because it otherwise didn’t make sense. I realize my situation is unique in that way, but after that initial jolt of belief, I learned that I needed a higher power to stay sober. I was desperate so I followed along, answering yes to any questions asked of me and even praying in the morning. What I didn’t realize is that I had to create my own idea of a higher power if I was to rely on it for my sobriety. I didn’t get that I was allowed to choose something other than what I was raised with. I mean I thought I did, but at the end of the day, I still acted like I believed in the guy in the sky. 

It wasn’t until I struggled feeling any relief in sobriety that I realized I had to go back and figure out what my higher power was going to believe and then start believing it. I wrote out my current concept of a higher power and what I wanted my higher power to be. I also went on a journey, seeking that something that is bigger than all of us. I didn’t purposely set out on that journey. I set out to find relief from the thinking and intense negative feelings I was experiencing now that I was sober. 

Looking back, my first higher power was my fellow alcoholics, or the group of drunks. I listened to as many recovery stories as I could and lived and died by the suggestions and experiences shared with me. And while I did take a lot of suggestions, I’ve had a very slow-briety when it comes to the whole trust your higher power thing. 

I believed there was a right way and wrong way of doing things, and it always seemed like I was on the wrong side. What I mean specifically is that I believed I should wake up every day super happy and motivated to ‘do the right thing’, which meant actively participate at work and in my life to the fullest of my ability. The only problem was I was depressed, anxious and exhausted all the time. Carrying those feelings was a heavy burden and full time job in and of itself. It felt like I was managing my feelings rather than joyously loving life. Therefore, I was convinced I wasn’t living according to my higher power’s will for me and things would never get better. 

Looking back on this experience has taught me to have so much grace and compassion for others. I was doing the best I could at the time, regardless of my judgement, and that is what I believe my higher power’s will is for me: to not drink a day at a time and do the best I can. Period. 

On my journey, I read a ton of helpful books that helped formed what my concept and relationship with a higher power is today. I dove into Ekhart Tolle, Marianne Williamson, Wayne Dyer, and A Course in Miracles. Each perspective helped me form my own. 

My beliefs have grown and changed over the years, as I suspect they will continue to do. What I believe today is that there is a higher presence. I don’t know what it specifically looks like, but I know what it feels like. It’s my gut instinct. It’s an inner feeling. It’s a sense. I know understand the line “deep down in every man, woman and child is the presence of God.” It’s the feeling I get when something aligns, or there is a coincidence or a beautiful sunset. And I can only experience it if the channel is clear. Before I got sober, the channel, or path to my gut instinct, was clogged with fear, resentments and negative behaviors, in that order. As I cleared those things out of the way, the channel opened up and I was able to hear (feel) my gut instinct. I went from not knowing what I needed to know to knowing what I needed to know. And more importantly, knowing when I don’t know something and I need to ask for help. 

I keep the channel clear today by feeling my feelings as best I can, meditation, journaling and therapy. The more I’m working on my spiritual fitness (all those things I just mentioned) the clearer the channel is. 

If you want to know what your current concept of a higher power is, look at how you act on a daily basis. And ask yourself why and what you’re afraid of. You can back into it that way. It takes time to unwind and unlearn old beliefs. And beliefs deepen and grow over time. Give yourself grace. I don’t act like I believe in a loving, supportive universe all the time. Maybe 70% of the time. Other times I am afraid or angry or frustrated. It’s all ok.