If I could sum up alcoholism in one word it would be… icky. The dictionary defines icky as “unpleasantly sticky” or “nasty”. Such great words to describe how I sometimes feel. 

If I dive into why I feel icky, it comes down to things not being the way I want them right now. Something’s a miss. I want to be doing something else or I don’t want to be doing what’s tasked of me right now. I’m thinking about what I’d rather be doing or what I have to look forward to. It’s a general sense of dissatisfaction of the status quo. 

Why do I feel and think this way? Am I hard wired for pleasure? Are my expectations of life too high? 

I think this distaste of the present is a deeply imbedded fear that led to drinking. I often talk about how I felt as a child – anxious and uncomfortable, separate from the world – and how I believe this is the root of my alcoholism. It stands to make sense then that I would dislike the present moment. When I was young, I escaped through food and fantasy of the future. This set me up for a lifetime of not living in the moment. And I know now that the moment is where it’s all happening! 

So now that I’m sober, why am I still icky and avoiding the here and now? First and most obvious is that I’ve spent my whole life avoiding the uncomfortable present. Even if the present is comfortable now, I’m still automatically defaulting to avoiding it. 

Second, I think no matter how much recovery I have, I will still feel the ick sometimes. It’s just part of who I am. I’m just not a human that can be totally ok with what is, unless it’s exactly what I want it to be. And maybe that’s ok. I am also going to be triggered and remember those old icky feelings no matter how big or small the current issue is. So what can I do? In the beginning of recovery, it’s about doing the best I can. A lot of times that meant replacing a “bad” behavior with a lesser evil like smoking, eating, spending, avoiding, etc. I know some people who believe in eliminating all “bad” behaviors at once, but I say screw that do the best you can. I’m not saying go out of your way to develop or worsen habits, either. I’m simply saying if you just quit drinking and you’re still smoking, give yourself a break. I smoked for the first 4 years of sobriety and then I chewed nicotine gum for sometime after that. Big deal. The road narrows naturally as time goes on is all I’m saying. 

Today the ick is so much more manageable then ever before, too. Maybe I’ve grown used to it, but I like to think that I’ve also learned healthier alternatives and ways to deal with it. And most of the time that means just feeling icky for a moment an hour or a day. I talk a ton about not making feelings such a big deal and just feeling them. This is also the case here. If I’m feeling the ick, I simply feel it and then do what I need to take care of myself. That might include a nap, some fresh air, exercise or just laying down and feeling icky. It will get better over time. And the ick factor will lessen and as learn to ease into the present moment. 

There are also things that can help you out and meditation is the number one thing. (More on that here) Don’t be intimidated. Read my blog about how to start meditating and the benefits. It’s literally 3 minutes a day to start! 

The other thing that’s helped me is therapy to sort through the icky feelings that come up. I had a great sober teacher who said I was like a giant zit that needed to be popped and once the nasty stuff oozed it’s way out, I would feel remarkably better. And she was right! 

Staying present takes practice. So does learning to enjoy the moment. Be easy on yourself and start with realistic goals!