What does it mean to accept a situation?

Acceptance is an important part of life. It means that I know a situation is exactly the way it’s supposed to be, or that whatever happened or didn’t happen just is what it is. Accepting I am an alcoholic means I believe that I cannot drink and have an illness that needs treating. What are the benefits to that? I stop debating whether or not I am an alcoholic and start recovering. I also stop fighting the fact that I cannot drink safely and stop drinking. My life gets better.

No where in there did it say that I have to like it. And I think that’s a common misconception when it comes to acceptance. I think I need to like it in order to accept it. Turns out I can hate it and accept it at the same time. I love this definition of accept: Believe or some to recognize (something) as valid or correct. Another great definition is to tolerate or submit to something unpleasant or undesired.

In other words, I can accept the fact that I cannot drink, not like the facts and still get better. Taking this concept into other things, I can accept people as they are. What does that mean? Let’s say Sue is a jerk. She is constantly mean to me and to others. She has a negative attitude and complains about everything. Sue is also a family member.

The old me would try and change Sue. Educate her on her misgivings and offer a different way to be. I would also continue to have the same relationship with Sue and be disappointed time after time at her continued yucky behavior. Sue would piss me off. I would complain about Sue to others. Sue could really ruin my day.

What I’ve learned about accepting people is that Sue is who she is and isn’t going to change. That is acceptance. She’s just a jerk. I don’t have to like her in order to accept her. I can still think she’s a jerk, which she probably is. What I can do, now that I’ve accepted her, is change my behavior. Protect myself. I can limit the time I spend with her or cut her out of my life entirely. I can have compassion that maybe Sue’s having a rough life and her behavior is just the way she deals with it. I can learn to laugh (to myself) that she’s an asshole. There are so many things I can now do that are truly in my best interest. I can stop allowing myself to be injured by this person and spend time with people I actually enjoy.

Some things are easier to accept than others. And my process isn’t perfect. I tend to kick and scream for a day or two before I realize there is nothing I can do to change what is.. except accept it. This is far better than things used to be, and they continue to improve. I would kick and scream for weeks or months before accepting something and now I move much quicker to acceptance.

One reason I do not want to accept something or someone is because it usually means I’m going to have to do something I don’t want to do. Or not do something I want to do. It also means I am going to have to make some uncomfortable choices. In any event, my status quo will be disturbed in some way and I don’t like it.

It’s easier to stay mad at Sue than it is to turn down her invitation to hang out. It’s easier to tell Sue she’s a jerk instead of just letting her be a jerk. It’s seems easier to argue with her and stand my ground rather than ‘let her walk all over me.’ But are these things easier? Aren’t I the one suffering? Sue isn’t pissed she’s a jerk. She probably doesn’t even care.

When I accept things they begin to change. Well, I’m not a fan of change, either. I can talk my way out of accepting something so easily. But is it easier?

It might be. Let’s say your marriage ends suddenly and somewhat unexpectedly. This just happened to a friend of mine. Their partner no longer love them and wanted a divorce. That’s not easy. What does acceptance mean in this situation? It means I have to deal with the fact that I am now single and allllll the feelings that come with it – grief, anger, loneliness, sadness, uncertainty, etc.

Ah, there it is. The feelings again. Isn’t that what it always boils down to? Won’t I do anything to not feel uncomfortable feelings? Who wants to open that can of worms. But, what if I don’t? What if I suppress the divorce and throw myself into another relationship? Sure, I could get lucky and everything could work out. But sooner or later, those suppressed feelings are going to affect me physically or mentally. And maybe, because I didn’t process the feelings, I end up picking the same partner again and get divorced a second time. All because I couldn’t accept that divorce sucks and brings up a ton of icky feelings.

Let’s take acceptance a step further. Someone close to me passes away. You’ll hear people say things like it was God’s doing or something else not all that helpful. Does accepting a death mean I’m ok with it? Or I’m ok? And does it mean I need to understand it in order to accept it? That’s another thing I used to confuse with acceptance. I thought I needed to understand something first. I don’t know why people leave us. It’s awful. But once again, I am afraid to accept the fact that they are gone because of how that feels. Not good by any stretch of the imagination. It’s easier to be angry about it than to feel the grief. Believe me, I know.

For me, learning to accept things as they are doesn’t mean I like it, approve of it or understand it. It just means I acknowledge what is. This allows me to move to the next phase in the situation, which usually means taking an action or feeling some feelings. Maybe someday I’ll accept things in real time, but I doubt it. What can I do to get there faster?

Accept the fact that I don’t accept things as they are. That’s ok. Honor where you’re at. Stop thinking you should be somewhere else. Give yourself the time to kick and scream and wish things were different. Learn what your process is and trust that you’ll come to accept things when you’re supposed to.