Some days I can and some days I can’t even.

Yesterday I felt great and got so much accomplished. Today I was tired, achy and just not feeling it. Maybe I’m a little under the weather or maybe I’m feeling a little depression. Or maybe it’s a combo of both.

I tend to over evaluate these things. I used to tell myself that one day I would need to kick it into gear and be on every day. No more days of laying around and not motivating. No more days of not feeling it or feeling bad. I guess I had this expectation that to be sober or spiritual meant stringing together a series of good days. And by good days, I mean feeling good and doing what I’m “supposed” to be doing. With those expectations, I was bound to be disappointed in myself quite often.

A couple of interesting things here. First, why does feeling bad mean it’s a bad day? Who is in charge of deciding what I am “supposed” to do every day? Where does this idea come from that I must feel good to be spiritual.

First, I’ve come to accept that feeling bad doesn’t have to equate to a bad day. Feeling bad and not picking up a drink could actually be considered a good day. Second, why am I pre-determining what I am supposed to do every day in order to label it a good day? Maybe learning to just go with the flow or have a day of doing nothing is actually more spiritual then checking off some made up boxes. And third, the idea that being spiritual means feeling good is just setting myself up for failure. Being spiritual means learning how to feel bad – to feel all of my feelings – without needing to change or control them.

In fact, I’ve learned more about feeling bad than feeling good on my spiritual journey. No one likes unpleasant feelings. That’s been established since the beginning of time. But why do I take it to the extreme and become focused on feeling good all the time? I think that’s part of my alcoholism. Part of the wiring of my brain that craves not just good, but great feelings. I’m sure every human is like this to some extent, but I seem to focus on this idea at all costs. I drank or ate or did whatever I could to chase that high feeling, even at the expense of myself and others.

Wouldn’t it just be easier to relax and just take life’s feelings as they come? To expect that every day is going to have its ups and downs because that just what it means to be alive. And to know that somedays are just going to suck and that it’s all just fine.

What I’ve come to realize is that not every day is going to be a good day and that’s ok! In fact, honoring the bad days is progress. Allowing myself to have a bad day rather than force myself to do things my heart isn’t into is growth. Learning how to have a bad day is a very spiritual thing.

And the bad days are not like they used to be. In fact, they’re not really bad days in the greater scheme of things. They’re just days I don’t meet my expectations. And that’s on me. What I need to work on next is finding more balance. Doing what I can on bad days and doing a normal amount of things on a good day.