Ugh.

I like when things are exactly the same all the time. Except when I want them to be different, of course. In fact, if I had a superpower, it would be to predict the future. Just because it would make me more comfortable, and I could prepare for (control) any upcoming changes. I get comfort from knowing what to expect. I get comfort from doing things I know how to do. Heck, I used to eat the same things every day at the same time because it would keep my weight the same. I ate oatmeal twice a day for ten years while I lived in New York, one of the best food cities in the world. All for the sake of comfort, which is pretty much synonymous with control in my book.

Why do I dislike change and crave control? Overall I think it’s because I crave comfort in a very uncomfortable world. Second, my feelings are intense on a Tuesday, let alone when I’m riding the wave of life or when something happens that peaks my anxiety or depression. Thirdly, those feelings feel out of my control. Life often feels out of control. So the little I can maintain or control becomes very important. Even something as silly as oatmeal.

Unfortunately for me, life is nothing but change. No two days are the same. No two minutes are the same. Think about that. Here I am trying to keep the status quo in place that literally cannot maintain the status quo. It’s literally impossible for life not to change and change constantly. It’s just not built that way. Its very nature is to evolve. It’s like wishing a flower would stay in full bloom forever. And then spending my life trying to make it so, all while the damn petals are falling off right in front of me.

How can I become more comfortable with change? It seems to reason that if I can accomplish this, I will happier and more content overall. In fact, it makes sense to me now that going against the grain of life is more work and more painful then flowing with the current. For me, learning how to do things is a process. First, I have to be sick of doing things my way or in enough pain to want to change. This used to mean rock bottom levels of pain, but the bottom continues to get higher the longer I’m sober. Then I have to be aware of what I am doing and that it needs to be healed. Next I learn what I need to do to heal. I learn this by reading spiritual or self-help books, blogs or even Instagram posts. After that, I must have the courage to do something differently. This will always include discomfort.

And here’s where it gets interesting. It really boils down to how much willingness and tolerance I have for discomfort. That varies by situation and on the day. I do not believe it’s something I can create or muster up to some extent. I think it’s a learned behavior that I get better at over time. I get more comfortable with feeling uncomfortable and then I can change or accept change. It may sound complicated, but it’s really not. Once you understand that this is the process, you’re halfway there.